A Hiatus

It’s strange.  At first I thought I was ready to put words out there.  To be part of the community.  And then I freaked out.  Maybe this whole thing was just a “tempest in a tea cup”, or just a temporary speed bump.  I mean, there are so many people out there that have been struggling for so much longer than me.  Maybe it isn’t real, maybe I’d get pregnant quickly on drug therapy, maybe there wouldn’t be anything to worry about.  Denial, folks, it’s more than a river in Egypt! 

That’s why I haven’t posted in quite some time. 

But at this point, I’m realizing that even if everything works, even if I got pregnant tomorrow, there’s been a change.  I felt it when a friend just casually dropped that they’d probably have another child, like it was nothing.  It wasn’t said insensitively, and said individual doesn’t know about my struggles.  It was the whole concept of how casual it was.  That they would have another child.  That she would get pregnant.  All these things, taken for granted.  That’s when I realized that this has literally changed my worldview.  I will never be able to take getting pregnant for granted, think about it without worry.  The number of children will be decided based on how difficult it is to get pregnant.  So this diagnosis is a part of me, even though I would rather it not be, even though I want to deny that it is. 

So now I look forward.


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