One of Those Days

I took a pregnancy test today.

I hated to do it, but it’s day 28 and time to get ready for more blood work and testing.  That means Provera to do what nature won’t, and to get that prescription, I have to make absolutely sure the cycle really did fail.

It’s not hard to know there’s no pregnancy.  I’ve taken an OPK every day since cycle day six.  My doctor told me to start checking on day ten, but I’m an overachiever.  No matter what light I view them in, how much I squint, or pretend, there hasn’t been a positive one.  It’s necessary, though, just to make certain there wasn’t a malfunctioning stick in the bunch.  I understand the reason – it would be negligent to give out that prescription without making sure.

It’s such a small thing, right?  Just one more test, one more to add to the variety before and after the diagnosis, from blood work to ultrasounds to OPKs.  Shouldn’t be hard.  At least I don’t have to get blood taken, I try to remind myself.

Last night I laid out the test on the bathroom sink to remind me this morning.  It was one of those fancy digital ones I’d planned to use as a for-sure confirmation test when I was pretty certain that I was pregnant, bought before the diagnosis and coming up on its expiration date in a couple of months.  I’d forgotten to buy a pregnancy test at the store the other day, so it was the only one I had in the house.  I’d held off using this one, still having the tiniest shred of hope that I’d have time to get pregnant before using it.

Instead, this morning I got up and did my thing.  I dropped the stick on the bathroom counter, washed my hands, and headed to the kitchen to start water heating for coffee.  Refused to watch the tiny clock face on it tick down.  Didn’t watch the minutes go by to make sure I read it at exactly the second it was ready.

About ten minutes later, I went back in.  I told myself I wasn’t going to get upset.  I knew what it would say.  Resolution crumbled in the face of what was there on the counter.  Not content to just give a minus or plus sign, the test said “No” with a minus sign following.  Damn sadistic digital test.

I swallowed hard.

Waited for the doctor’s office to open.

Left a cheerful message for the phone nurse to call me, that I would need that Provera prescription and to schedule that blood work and HSG.

Started writing something I think was wittier, less sad than this.

Then gave up resisting the tears.

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