Two Weeks

As of last night, I guess I’m officially in the dreaded two-week wait.

I think.

At my last RE session on Friday, the ultrasound picked up one 15 mm follicle and two 10 mm follicles.  My E2 levels increased to 157 (from 37 four days earlier), all of which indicated that the Follistim was working.  I was reasonably pleased with these results until the nurse smiled and said: “I think Dr. D will want to see you on Sunday.  You’ll have to go to the office in (city), because we’re not open that day.”

“I can’t do that,” I blurted out.  “I have to work this weekend.  It’s a holiday, and today is Friday, which means there’s no way I can get someone to cover for me this late.  If I was coming here, only an hour away from home early in the morning, it might be doable, but (city) is 2 ½ hours away!  There’s no way I can get someone to cover my shift for a five hour round-trip plus appointment time on Easter!”

The nurse shook her head.  “I’ll talk to Dr. D.  We’ll have to see what we can do, but I’m almost certain he’s going to want to see you Sunday.  Hopefully he won’t cancel the cycle if you can’t make it.”

At this point, I tried to restrain myself from bursting into tears.  Cancel the cycle?!  After spending several thousand dollars on monitoring and meds, plus driving time?  I took a deep breath and reminded myself to wait until the office called with results, and then make a decision with all the information on the table.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the office called.  “Dr. D would rather see you Sunday,” said the nurse, “but he said he feels like you’re progressing enough that if you take 125 units of Follistim tonight and Saturday night, then you need to trigger between 6 and 8 o’clock Sunday night.  You understand that we can’t be sure because we won’t have a chance to scan you Sunday, but based on your test results, Dr. D thinks that’s the best timing.”

“I understand,” I told her.

I feel like a terrible, non-compliant patient, but at the same time, I also have to prioritize.  I only get so many days of vacation/personal (although I’m very lucky as my boss is extremely kind and understanding of what this process entails).

It doesn’t stop the evil little voice in my brain from listing the “what-ifs” – what if the follicles need more time, what if I’ve effectively botched the cycle by not getting that scan, what if this proves I can’t be a good mother because I’m too invested in my job to even go to one measly scan that might make me a mother?  The rational part of me knows I made the best decision I could with the options open to me, but never underestimate the industrial-strength guilt/anxiety part of the brain.

So now?  Now, I get to wait.

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8 thoughts on “Two Weeks

  1. You know — but maybe you also need to hear — that those decisions you’re making right now about balancing work and trying to conceive have NO bearing on whether you’re a good mother or not. Work and life sometimes don’t mix well, especially when you’re talking about huge distances, and you’re making the best choices you can make in this moment. You did the right thing.

    Sending lots of good thoughts for the wait.

    • Thank you for this. It’s nice to hear someone else say it, because even when I know it was the right decision intellectually, sometimes it’s helpful to have someone else confirm that. Thanks for the good thoughts also!

  2. Whoa, dude, don’t tell me you’re going to freak out about this for your entire two week wait. You made the best decision. Now go watch a Friends marathon or something… anything… just distract yourself from that lurking guilt.

  3. My thoughts n prayers r with u. I too suffer from panic attacks. Tomorrow Im having a hsg done. I’m so nervous about it. I just hope I don’t have one while I’m there. I got off meds for my panic disorder a year ago but do to the situation and recently getting laid off from my job my md says I should start taking it again. I don’t want too but I find myself not being able to go out or function. Anyway just wanted to wish u luck in the coming days n hope for all good news. Thanks for posting your experience it helped to know someone out there is suffering with the same issues. Best Wishes

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