Infertility Brain

It has, without a doubt, been a couple of busy weeks here.  Lots of major transitions, lots of new things going on.  It’s probably a good thing that we chose to ditch infertility treatments for the time being because I don’t think we could have managed.  Those powerful hormones in conjunction with all the other stuff would have had me stressed beyond belief.

I thought I was doing pretty well with taking a break.  My mood has definitely improved, I’m up to running 1.5 miles at one time, with an additional 0.5 to 1 mile after a power-walking break, and although the weight loss is slow, I’ve managed to peel off about two pounds.  It’s been nice not thinking about shots, worrying about ultrasounds, and carrying my Follistim pen around to any and all evening activities.

I’d even managed to avoid the temptation of checking ovulation kits daily.  This, by the way, is a big accomplishment for me.  Letting go of that safety net meant that we were well and truly on a break.  Instead of obsessing over whether the line was any darker or if there was just a small chance I was ovulating, I resolutely refused to even check.

Then, a few days ago, the other evil part of my brain took up residence, and like that guest who just won’t leave a party long after it’s over, parked itself squarely on the sofa in the center of my mind.  Every time anything even slightly symptomatic popped up, it happily proceeded to point it out to me.

Evil brain: “Oooh, boobs are a little sore.”

Rational  brain: “Uh, that couldn’t be because I forgot to put a couple of things in the laundry so I’m wearing that bra that doesn’t quite fit right, could it?”

Evil brain: “Was that nausea?  Are you going to throw up maybe?  Were you a little more sensitive to that smell there?”

Rational brain: “Because a bit of anxiety has never presented itself as nausea in our history…”

Evil brain: “Well, you don’t have to be all sarcastic about it or anything.  I’m just saying…”

Evil brain: “Look, the abdomen is a bit fuller.”

Rational brain: “Oy!  Having, oh, I don’t know, GAINED 10 FREAKING POUNDS wouldn’t have anything to do with that, now would it?”

Evil brain: “Take a pregnancy test.  You know you want to.  And it could come back positive!  Just do it!”

Rational brain: “Yes, let’s go ahead and take a home pregnancy test.  And while I’m at it, let’s make it one of those really expensive first response ones that tell you up to six days in advance.  And then stare at the single line again and wonder why I spent five bucks on it.  The budget isn’t unlimited, you know.”

Evil brain: “Something feels a little funny down there.  You know where.  It’s like a pulsing sensation.  Maybe it’s the body getting blood to the uterus because something’s starting.”

Rational brain: ” Seriously, what the heck?!  You know perfectly well that if there’s a strong pulsing sensation in the abdomen, that’s a potential symptom of an abdominal aortic aneurysm.  That wasn’t even a plausible symptom for pregnancy.  You’re grasping at straws.”

Evil brain: “Yeah, well no period in sight right now.”

Rational brain: “Just stop that right now.  You know perfectly well that there was once a forty eight day interval with no sign of a period and no pregnancy.”

And on and on it goes.  I’ve heard people complain about “pregnancy brain”, but “infertility brain” isn’t much fun either.


8 thoughts on “Infertility Brain

  1. K, I think we have evil-brain twins. I laughed at your clever inner argument, even though I cringed and thought “yup, exactly what it feels like.”
    Very well done post.
    I hope this break does well for you, and you can regain that sense of peace that evil brain is trying to grab!!


  2. Lindy J

    WTG on the 2 lb loss! Thank you for putting this in writing & sharing it. I’ve never thought about this back-and-forth, outside of being in the midst of it. My “Infertility brain” has me stuck in this awesome cycle where during the 2 week wait, I give up hope & binge eat until I find that the treatment really didn’t work & immediately embark on another cleanse for the next 2 weeks. Argh! Enjoying & finding comfort in reading through your posts. Thanks 🙂

  3. I almost peed my pants lying in bed one morning debating the elaborate pros and cons of taking HPT. My husband played the role of logical brain, asking ‘will taking the test give us any actual information?” My response, “it will if it’s positive.” You are not alone.

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