I Hope 5 Is My Lucky Number

It has been a nerve-wracking couple of weeks.  In some ways, I haven’t posted because I was afraid to even talk about it, for fear that somehow if I spoke the words out loud the follicles in my ovaries would magically disappear overnight and be gone.  That the cycle would be cancelled.  That no mature eggs would be retrieved.  I spent hours poring over my ultrasound reports and lab tests, worrying, watching as the follicles matured.

Today, though, I’m posting because I need whatever thoughts/prayers/fertility dances anyone has.

I was pretty psyched after my retrieval yesterday.  The doctor came by to tell us he had gotten 15 eggs, and was pleased with that number.  It meant my ovaries hadn’t gotten over stimulated, which we were all worried about, but it was still a good number.  I left figuring that even if a few were immature, plenty would fertilize.  After all, I just turned 31.  My hormone numbers looked good for decent egg quality.    

Then I got the call from the ART lab this morning: 5 fertilized.  Out of f*cking fifteen.  The biologist told me that 11 of the eggs were mature enough to perform ICSI on.  Out of those, only the five fertilized normally.  I probably sounded horrified on the phone, enough so that the biologist reassured me that really, they’d rather have a few high quality embryos than lots of so-so quality embryos.  That it only takes one to get pregnant.  That plenty of people only wind up with two embryos and get twins.  She reminded me that only about 25% of patients actually wind up with embryos to freeze. 

Needless to say, the good feelings are gone.

So I’ve spent the last hour or so calling Arthur at work in tears and freaking out.  Because 5 fertilized eggs doesn’t mean 5 embryos that are transferrable or freezable.  It just means 5 eggs fertilized and we have no idea how many – if any – are going to continue to divide normally.  There’s a part of me that knows that even if we’d had a huge fertilization rate and tons of awesome embryos, there’s still the fact that we might not have gotten pregnant anyway, who knows how many would survive the process of freezing, and who knows if any frozen transfer(s) would have taken.  It’s false security.  But that doesn’t stop the worry or upset at only getting 5. 

Transfer is tentatively scheduled for Thursday, or possibly Saturday depending on how the embryos look. 


14 thoughts on “I Hope 5 Is My Lucky Number

  1. Sending good thoughts that the number is all 5. Or that there are enough to transfer and enough to freeze.

    You’re right: a larger number doesn’t really mean anything. It’s quality, and even then, it’s chance. So I am sending really good burrowing thoughts for post-transfer. For chance being on your side.

  2. I hear you. I have shitty eggs, as you know, and we ended up with one egg both times. But last IVF I DID get pregnant. And I have heard that too, that ten or less eggs means better quality. Hang in there. I will be thinking about you Thursday. The nurse at the clinic told me that not everyone even gets to transfer. I’m hoping for some nice healthy embryos for you!

    • Thank you for your encouraging words and the good thoughts. I hadn’t even thought about what the nurse told you – that not everyone even gets to transfer. Very true, and something to remember.

  3. Try to keep your thoughts on the more positive side of the outcome. You have 5 fertilized eggs with the potential for transfer. You only need one great quality embryo to achieve success. I understand the anxiety you feel right now and how hard it is to see the good things. I’ve traveled this road many times in my own infertility struggles. I will say some prayers for you. I wish you the best.

  4. I hate this stuff—I’m so sorry for the anxiety you’re experiencing, have been there, have hated it. Watch movies—that’s the only thing. Movies. Dumb ones. But 5 is good. 5 is really very good. It’s a lot to work with. I wish you so much luck, am throwing luck darts at you. Deep breaths (and dumb movies).

  5. I’m hearing you honey. They retrieved 10 eggs from me last week… only one fertilised. ONE!!! I just didn’t understand how that could happen. I waited with baited breath for the next fews days hoping that my lone little embryo would make it to day 5 for a transfer. My hoping paid off and I had my transfer last Monday. I am trying to be positive and focus on my “little egg that could”… but i was still so upset that I have nothing to freeze. The knowledge that if this doesn’t work, or if even if by some miracle is does and I want another child someday…. it will all start all over again 😦
    This journey is a shit storm. I am thinking of you and hoping your 5 little embies make it through xx

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