Waiting Again

There is a scene in the movie “The Princess Bride” where hero Westley relates to his love Buttercup how he survived when the Dread Pirate Roberts attacked his ship. Westley says Roberts would tell him every evening: “Good night Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.”

I can’t help thinking of that line most days right now. Except that for me, the line sounds something like this: “Good night Katherine. Good work. Sleep well. You’ll most likely miscarry in the morning.”

I had a beta drawn yesterday morning. Dr. E himself called to tell me that it had more than doubled appropriately from 111 on Monday to 290 by Wednesday. The betas were drawn exactly 48 hours apart, so it was a very good result. He wanted me in for an ultrasound next in about a week and a half. I was pretty happy.

Then, about four hours after my beta, I started spotting heavily again.

There were tears and worries and I called the office in quite a state. The nurse checked with Dr. E, then reassured me that since I’d had bleeding before, Dr. E planned to get that ultrasound in a week and a half and leave things alone until then. Dr. E wanted my progesterone upped to 75 mg of PIO each day to see if that helped with the bleeding, but unless the bleeding progressed to the point where I was passing tissue, we were just going to watch and wait. There wasn’t much else anyone could do for the situation.

So I’m waiting again. Wondering if the spotting will let up. Wondering if each sensation in my abdomen is a cramp or something else. Trying not to let my hopes creep up, but unable to stop that from happening. Then having those hopes dashed every time I see blood.

I know I haven’t been in the infertility community for nearly as long as so many people. I know I’ve only been seeing an RE for just over a year now. I’m also pregnant, no matter how tenuously. This makes me feel sometimes like I have no right to get this worked up.

At the same time, this my 10th shot at a medicated cycle, including an IVF, a miscarriage, and lots of frustration and cancellations because my ovaries don’t cooperate. I’m exhausted. I just want this to work so badly and yet keep getting such mixed signs that it’s keeping me in a constant state of worry about the whole thing.

Until we get some sort of definitive answer (if there even exists such a thing), I suppose it remains: “Good night Katherine. Good work. Sleep well. You’ll most likely miscarry in the morning.”

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16 thoughts on “Waiting Again

  1. Oh my god, you ABSOLUTELY HAVE THE RIGHT TO GET THIS WORKED UP! Everyone has their own path and there is no such thing as not having suffered enough to get upset about a tenuous positive. In my opinion a low positive is the greatest type of torture. You can’t enjoy the positive because you are waiting for the shoe to drop. Hopefully it doesn’t, but even with a “no way” story, you are robbed of some of the joy that ought to come with a hard-won positive. Maybe even all of it. While the context makes me sad, I love the Princess Bride analogy. I hope it’s just like the Dread Pirate Roberts and you don’t actually miscarry in the morning. I hope it’s just that horrible spotting that seems to plague infertile people who actually get pregnant. Because having a normal pregnancy would be just too much to ask. I am thinking of you, and I am cautiously optimistic about your doubling numbers, and I hope that the PIO increase makes that bleeding quit. And get worked up all you want–you have every right to be upset, to air your feelings, to garner support at this horrid time of uncertainty. I’m in your corner and hoping for good news for you! Stay, little babyling, stay!

  2. It does not matter how long you’ve been dealing with infertility! You have every right to feel how you feel!!! Just remember you cant really compare peoples IF paths side by side. Everyone’s experience is just so different. I so wish I could just give you a hug. The “not knowing how things are going to turn out” can be the worse time ever. Any spotting or red discharge only heightens the concern… and there’s really no way to know how this is going to end until it does. Your beta numbers are in range. Not sure if your Dr let you know how your cervix was for the implantation – i.e. if it was friable or sensitive? I am wishing you and yours the best.

  3. I wish you luck! And a story that may help: After my IVF I had really low, yet doubling betas. Then I started gushing. It turned out to be a subchronic hematoma and I now I have a 3 year old. I was bleeding red for 3 weeks and it turned to brown for another 3. So, while not every case with bleeding ends well, it can. Hang in there.

  4. Here from the round-up. I’m so sorry you have to go through all this stress. I know the feeling of waiting from test to test and obsessively monitoring one’s body. All I can say is what a friend of mine said to me: “Keep hoping as long as there’s reason for hope.” Wishing you the best.

  5. Oh honey, you have the right, of course. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been at it. I cannot imagine how harrowing this must be for you, hyper-attending to every little feeling. Stupid spotting! I hope this is the bumpy start to a long, smooth ride. Praying for you.

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