Monday morning, I had my appointment with the RE for the final ultrasound in this pregnancy with that office. Arthur and I drove in, me sitting and making nervous chatter, Arthur reassuring me that we’d seen a beautiful, moving, healthy baby on Thursday evening.
It’s funny how the last 10 or 15 minutes before an ultrasound are worse than almost any of the hours or days that come before it. I was stripping down as soon as the nurse closed the door to the room, and up on the ultrasound table faster than I think I’ve ever been before.
I knew that everything was most likely fine. But there is never an ultrasound – at least, not yet – where I haven’t had a flashback to that first pregnancy, that moment where I realized there was no heartbeat any longer. So when Dr. E and the ultrasound tech arrived and the scan started, I could barely look at the screen. The ultrasound tech, knowing what I’d be wondering, quickly reassured me that she saw the heartbeat.
Dr. E noted that the subchorionic hemorrhage is still present, but it’s still tiny and not in a place where it was likely to cause problems for the pregnancy. He reassured me that SCHs are fairly common. Basically, it means that I’ll stay on pelvic rest and no heavy lifting or exercise. He did warn me that it was possible that I’ll have some further spotting at times.
Then he asked me when I’d scheduled my OB appointment. “I haven’t,” I told him. He seemed a little surprised, then quickly realized the reason I hadn’t scheduled to see my OB/GYN. I’ve put it off because, really, I’ve mostly just been trying to deal ultrasound to ultrasound. Thinking ahead was too much. Dr. E told me that I definitely needed to schedule that, because as far as he could tell, everything looked really good and it was time for me to be released from the RE office.
I am so excited…and completely terrified.
I have survivor’s guilt oozing out of every pore. I am absolutely scared stiff that I’m still not out of the first trimester and this is just setting me up for a huge fall. I stop taking the progesterone/estrogen on Thursday when I’m 11 weeks, which makes me really nervous even though I know it’s fine and it’s time.
I just keep telling myself to take a deep breath and keep putting one foot in front of the other.