December almost always provokes some mixed emotions for me. I love lights and cookies and the Christmas hymns, but it’s also the month my grandmother died. It’s the month Arthur proposed, and the month where we found out we’d need to see an RE. It’s the month we first saw a heartbeat, and the month my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 9 weeks.
So going into my first real OB appointment, I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect. I’d continued to bleed through the weekend and even more on Monday. Monday evening, I’d had another gush of blood. I was on edge, panicked, and sobbing by Monday evening. Sure, the bleeding mostly looked brown. Sure, there was the fact that the blood had to go somewhere, and I hoped that the SCH was simply draining and shrinking, but it bothered me every time I’d see it.
Tuesday morning, Arthur and I arrived at the OB office and I got to go through the official intake as an OB patient. The nurse took my height, weight, medical history, and gave me the packet with all the information about schedules, phone numbers, and so forth. My OB group is set up such that there are three doctors who deliver or are on call for emergencies. Whoever is on call when it comes time for me to deliver is who will perform that procedure. The doctors want to make sure they’ve at least met each OB patient and are familiar with the pregnancy, so OB patients rotate during pregnancy through each of the three doctors for scheduled appointments.
Tuesday’s appointment was with Dr. A. It was nice to get to see him for a happy reason, since the last several times he’s seen me, it was for my ectopic and my D and C. He checked out the baby, who was happily wiggling around, kicking, and sucking his or her thumb. The SCH had, based on the measurements in the ER, shrunk a bit. It was still 4.5 cm long, but the width was closer to 2 or 3 cm. Apparently all that bleeding was doing something. Dr. A told me that I’d probably continue to have bleeding but not to worry so long as the bleeding was brown or dark. If it gets bright red or I start having severe cramping, then I call.
Dr. A told us that as long as the SCH continues to stay stable or shrink, they’ll just monitor it. I’ll probably have one appointment around 20 weeks with the maternal-fetal medicine specialist to do a more intensive ultrasound to make sure that the baby’s growth is on track and the placenta looks normal. I’ll also be seen a bit more frequently by the OB office for the time being than most women are at my stage, so I have another appointment in 2 weeks instead of the usual 4 weeks.
At this point, I’m trying to allow myself to be excited. I mean, I’m overjoyed, but there is always a little voice in the back of my head that whispers all the things that could still go wrong, which sometimes makes it more difficult to just be happy. I keep reminding myself that with the ectopic, I refused to get excited or celebrate that pregnancy in any way because I knew the numbers and symptoms weren’t good. When I found out the pregnancy was ectopic and ending, guess what? I was still completely devastated. It didn’t matter how much I’d tried to be cautious, my heart was broken.
So I’m trying to keep that lesson in mind and let myself be as normal as possible. Total normalcy won’t happen with all the bleeding still going on, but I’m trying to just allow myself to be happy when I feel happy and acknowledge but not dwell on my worries. Of course, every twinge tends to make me nervous, but I keep reminding myself that at this point, we just keep hanging in there.
I am quite excited to be 14 weeks today and 100% out of the first trimester!