Content note: pregnancy. If you’re not in a place for that or it’s triggering, please take care of yourself first and skip this one.
Back in June, I went to see Dr. E for my saline infusion sonogram (SIS) to check my uterus for scarring. He pronounced my uterus free of issues and also noted that my ovaries looked much better than usual. I knew I’d been getting positives on the OPKs for a few months as well but had mostly discounted them. Despite trying to manage my expectations, we’d been trying just in case something shook loose.
One July Friday night, I went to work and shortly into my shift, made a mental note to add “buy new bras” to my list for Monday. My chest felt like invisible flames were dancing over it, a phenomenon that went on most of the night. At around four in the morning, it finally hit me. I’d only felt like that once before. I counted the days off in my head. The timing was right. No way, I thought.
I’m an inveterate POAS addict, however, so I got home the next morning, did my thing, and then stared in shock as the lines popped up positive almost immediately.
On Monday, I called the RE’s office to do the blood tests to confirm. Either 13 or 14 dpo (depending on the method of counting), my beta hcg came back at 180, a huge number for me. My previous betas were 30 (11dp3dt with twins that I miscarried one at a time), 22 (10dp5dt with an ectopic pregnancy), and 63.4 (10dp5dt with my daughter). I held my breath to the next beta forty-eight hours later, which had shot up to 530.
In the next few weeks, I had a spotting scare that revealed a 6w4d baby with a heartbeat and a tiny bit of bleeding in my uterus. Waited. Had a bright red bleed a week and a half later that sent me into a panic but the ultrasound showed a subchorionic hematoma (SCH) of about 1.8 cm that was pronounced “small” and not a major concern. Given that the SCH that most likely caused me to PPROM at 21 weeks with my daughter started at 2 cm, I was less than reassured.
Despite the worry, the bleeding didn’t come back and the SCH shrank. My OB kindly works with my anxiety and checks in weekly to make sure there’s a heartbeat still. I see the perinatologist (high risk OB) in a couple of weeks due to my history of preterm birth. I’ll be 13 weeks on Monday, and just starting to believe that there might actually be a second baby in March. I’m beyond excited at that thought in many ways but also know all too well that there’s no such thing as a ‘safe zone’ when it comes to pregnancy. At the moment, though, the pregnancy appears to be progressing the way it should.
Truthfully, I haven’t known what to say here, hence the long delay in posting. The whole thing didn’t seem quite real at first and then felt tentative with the bleeding. I know well that feeling of hearing pregnancy announcements and the last thing I want to do is cause any one caught in the many difficult spaces of infertility pain. I know all too well that ache.
I’ve always been honest in this space, though, and it’s time to come forward with this news.
So, for whatever it’s worth, here I am…nerves, happiness, survivor’s guilt, and all.