Responding to “Stuff People Say”

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Recently, I had the opportunity to go to a lecture by Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally known speaker and author on loss, grief, and mourning.  I picked up the ticket at my suicide loss survivor’s group and played around in my head with the idea of going for a bit, but I’m glad that in the end, I opted to go.

Wolfelt related the story of being at his own mother’s funeral, sobbing, and hearing someone say “well, he’s a nationally known expert on grief, but he’s not holding up so well”.  It can be hard to mourn in a culture that expects an almost immediate resolution of the outward expressions of grief.  A few decorous tears in the days following a loss, but after that, calm, stoic acceptance is far more acceptable.

One of the best parts of the talk was when Wolfelt tackled the topic of “stuff other people say” and got into what he called the “buck up” messages.  These would be statements like “well, you had him for 38 years of marriage” or “at least she lived to be 89 years old”.  I’m sure anyone who has been through infertility/loss can add a few more to that list: “at least you know you can get pregnant”, “hey, you can sleep in/go to a movie/travel since you don’t have kids”, or “you have a good marriage/job/life, focus on that”.

Because I am a bit cranky on the inside at times, particularly when on Lu.pron or other hormone injections, the response in my head to those sorts of statements often ran along the lines of a rude, anatomically improbable suggestion.  My outward response was usually to smile weakly and change the subject.

However, I appreciated Wolfelt’s suggested rejoinder to these sorts of statements: “True, but not helpful.”

It’s very possible to feel gratitude in times of loss or grief for the good things in life.  But having plenty to be grateful for doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s no room to grieve a loss and feel/express the emotions associated with loss.

This post is a part of Microblog Mondays – please go see Stirrup Queens for more or to participate!  Thanks to Mel for originating and hosting.

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4 thoughts on “Responding to “Stuff People Say”

  1. Oooh, that made me so mad! How is a grief expert sobbing at his mom’s funeral NOT a good expression of grief? It amazes me that our culture is so “get over it” and “at least,” which just stifles actual grieving and healing. The at leasts are so awful. I love his response, “True, but not helpful.” I am totally going to steal that. I’m glad you went although it wasn’t easy. Thanks for sharing what you learned and thought!

  2. Your last paragraph is perfection. “It’s very possible to feel gratitude in times of loss or grief for the good things in life. But having plenty to be grateful for doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s no room to grieve a loss and feel/express the emotions associated with loss.”

    And yes, that first discussion made me mad too.

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