Content note: Final FET feelings + already present kids mentioned.
Well, this cycle is finally starting to become real. I’ve been going back and forth with the RE’s office to start pricing out drugs and nail down the slippery little details that I’ve discovered can really derail things quickly. I confirmed that they still open at the same time they used to, that now they do Sunday appointments in my city (it used to be that they only took Sunday checks about 1.5-2 hours away at the main office), and got copies of all the paperwork. When my period starts this month, I’ll call, get the prescriptions, and order the drugs in preparation for next month, thus outlaying the first actual cash in this endeavor.
I’ve noticed that I’m starting to have a more reasonable reaction to the prices again. Maybe it’s that I’ve been out of the ART world long enough or that we’ve spent money on other things in the meantime, but I’m keenly aware that what we are spending on this cycle is going to be right around what we paid for our entire upstairs flooring in a high end, water resistant laminate including installation. I remember when I paid for the flooring and called Arthur to give him the final bill remarking that while it wasn’t cheap, it was about what we’d paid for FET cycle past and – salient point – we weren’t paying for a chance we’d get a floor, we were actually going to receive a floor.
That last sort of sums up the mixed feelings I have bidding farewell to the RE’s office and ART. I’m really grateful for the fact that IVF brought us older daughter and also cognizant of the immense emotional and financial costs that went into all the cycles. One of the things that’s hard about ART and IVF is that beyond picking a doctor/office/lab and following the protocol, there’s really very little I could control in the cycle. I was at once expecting my first IVF to fail (because I’m a defensive pessimist) and also completely shocked when I miscarried (apparently there’s some underlying optimism there after all). I’ve known for a long time – working in the medical field – that modern medicine as a whole is extraordinarily powerful in some ways/instances, but also falls badly short far more often than some of the glowing articles and incredible stories would have people realize. Even knowing this, I found it hard to stack up the hopes I had with the grittier, less successful realities.
It’s the end of ART for us. One way or the other. I’m almost 37 and it’s time. Whether or not we see if something breaks loose on our own if the cycle fails is something we’re very undecided on. Met.formin really does appear to regulate my cycles but in my late 30s, other concerns such as higher miscarriage rates are starting to tick up (and that’s making the enormous presumption that I’d get pregnant at all – certainly not a given with my history). I’m not going to lie, I have a little bit of the ache these days at the thought of being done, I’d really love it if the cycle worked out, but I can’t tell if that’s a deep, ongoing thing or if it’s happening because I’m immersed in getting ready to try to get pregnant with the FET and if the beta is negative will dissipate with some time. Despite the occasional achiness, I’m grateful for where we are now. I have no doubt that regardless of outcomes, life is going to go on and I believe it’s going to be good.