When Arthur called an end to our efforts on trying to conceive, I found myself in the midst of a bit of an identity crisis. I’m not sure why this surprised me – I’ve spent the better part of a decade trying to get pregnant and then stay pregnant in ways that were invasive, emotional, time-consuming, and expensive. One of the things that happened along the way between infertility and NICU was that other parts of life fell by the wayside. It’s hard to make plans or get involved in other activities when you’re at the whims of the RE’s office or in quarantine.
Time to begin the small steps of moving forward.
To that end, I decided to rip off the band-aid last week and start the process of cleaning out all the pregnancy/baby items cluttering the basement. I don’t want to start the new year with that particular task looming large.
I started with the hardest part: the maternity clothes. I fought so hard to get to the point where I could wear them in my fourth pregnancy – after three pregnancies without much outward sign. I tossed them into totes and tubs and took them up to the consignment store where I watched as the employees evaluated and sorted. “Donate whatever you don’t take,” I told them. I walked out with the empty containers and some cash. I made it to the car before bursting into tears.
I recently was invited to participate in an advanced adult choir. For years, I’ve listened to recordings of British composer and choir master John Rutter directing the Cambridge Singers in both his own compositions and other choral classics. It has long been a dream of mine to get to sing some of the music on those albums, which are full of tricky a cappella pieces as well as what I’ve termed the “floating sopranos” – the top part and descants just lightly flow over the top of the other voices, impossibly soft, controlled, and high. This is my chance to do just that.
It’s a reminder that there are other dreams to follow and so much beyond the narrow confines of trying to conceive.
This post is a part of Microblog Mondays. If you want to read more or participate, please head over to Stirrup Queens! Thanks to Mel for originating and hosting.